Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol Single-Handedly Ruins Remote Work for the Rest of Us

Brian, I’d like to start by saying congratulations on your new role as Starbucks CEO. It must have been quite the transition as Chipotle CEO, although I hope that you’ve settled into your new role over the past year.

With regards to compensation, I see that Business Insider has reported that your compensation package for your first four months in your new position was just over $95 million. I think the question on everyone’s mind right now is, do you feel like you’re being compensated fairly? Extrapolating this into an annual compensation package, this only amounts to $285 million. I looked at the breakdown here and found out that only a bit over $61,000 of this amount is salary, around $90 million is in stock, and $5 million was a sign-on bonus.

My biggest concern is, will this $5 million sign-on bonus and $61,000 in salary be enough for the next year? We don’t want you to be in a situation where you’re going to have sell some Starbucks stock and then pay the full income tax rate on this stock instead of the reduced 15% capital gains tax rate. This is money unnecessarily coming out of your pocket Brian, and we want to make sure that you’re able to sleep at night knowing that you’ve maximized your tax savings. Furthermore, this issue hits close to home as this is of course an issue that every American grapples with on a day to day basis.

Something that also unites us all is family. I know that you’re a family man Brian, and that times have been tough with regards to recent cost of living increases, so I just wanted to reach out to you to make sure that you’re doing O.K. After all, CEO pay is nearly 275 times what the average worker is now making in America. Likewise, we want to make sure that you’re able to put food on the table for your family. If we need to launch a Go Fund Me for you because Starbucks has put you in a situation where you’re struggling to make ends meet, you just let us know Brian, and we will get that going as soon as possible. We elected Donald Trump as president to support our executives and we’re not going to have a situation where any CEO is left behind—and that includes you Brian

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On the topic of remote work, I’d also like to commend you, Brian Niccol, for your utter disdain for the environment with regards to your decision to commute via private jet from your home in Newport Beach California to Starbucks HQ 1,000 miles each way three times a week, due to Starbuck’s mandatory hybrid policy—absolutely legendary Brian. Executives everywhere have been waging war against remote work, but you Brian have taken this war to the next level with your super commuting ways. Your out-sized impact truly shows that one person can make a difference, and with 2023 and 2024 being the hottest years in recorded human history, your level of arrogance is truly inspiring.

You may only be a millionaire Brian, but your commitment to destroying the environment on this scale is truly worthy of a billionaire such as someone as Taylor Swift. You might not fit my classic definition of a man-diva, but in this situation, I’d like to make you an honorary man-diva due to your Eras Tour level emissions.

People have wondered exactly what your rationale is for this. I think you’re playing the long game Brian and this all part of you parlaying this into your next position at Exxon Mobile, BP, or Shell. I think they’d be proud to see this on your resume, and perhaps would even pay a bonus for it. There are of course more reasonable alternatives to cut your emissions, especially since Starbucks is only requiring three days a week in the office. Have you considered driving to work Brian? This is America after all, and in America, we drive to work, well when we’re not commuting by private jet of course.

I’ve done some research Brian, and I found out it’s only a 1,200 mile drive from Newport Beach California to Starbucks HQ in Seattle. Furthermore, you can make the trip in just over 17 ½ hours driving continuously. Might I suggest purchasing a used Cybertruck for the commute Brian? Costs for used Cybertrucks have been in massive decline recently, and with nearly 300 miles of range, you’d only need to stop four times at a Tesla Supercharging station. I would like to however advise you to avoid any stations in the process of being bombed or burned to the ground, as this may not be the optimal time for recharging your Cybertruck. I know what you’re thinking Brian, and that’s that there is something else I haven’t considered. I’m of course talking about the commute back from Seattle, and the Seattle weather that goes along with that.

So here’s the scenario Brian, you’re on your way back to California from Starbucks HQ in Seattle, but then it starts raining. It’s not a big deal, as you turn on the massive windshield wiper of the Cybertruck and then continue home. About an hour in you’re on the highway though, and then the rain picks up. Suddenly, it’s a torrential downpour. You increase the speed, and soon it’s maxed out. However, just then, the wiper jams. You try to clear the jam, but it’s no use, as it’s failed.

Above: Starbucks (Not in Seattle)

You have two options now Brian. Option 1 is to man-up. Option 2 is to die. My recommendation is option 1, as option two, the dying option, is not a good option here Brian. You’re going to need to think fast though, as you’re driving 75 MPH on the highway, it’s pouring down rain, and you can’t see anything because Tesla decided to put a single front wiper on the Cybertruck. Maybe you can kick out the windshield, shoot it out, or figure something else out. This is your moment to shine Brian. You are the Starbucks CEO and you should likewise be able to figure this one out. Don’t worry, as I have faith in you.

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In summary, I think you’re going be fine at Starbucks Brian, but if there’s anything you need from us, you just let us know, because we’re here to serve you. I would also like to advise you to not let fellow Chase CEO Jamie Dimon know about your remote work situation though. He’d be pissed to find out about it, and it’s unclear if Jamie has been able to make it out to an open mic recently. However, it’s clear based on his last tirade on remote work that his talents are being completely wasted at Chase and that there also needs to be a “fucking Zoom” version specifically for Gen Z.

There is one more question I have for you though Brian, which I think has been on everyone’s mind since you left Chipotle, and that question is, “When you go to Chipotle, do you get the guac?” Actually, on second thought, I think we already know the answer to that question.